Tuesday, September 16

Dear Friend,

 

I am currently reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower and I am loving it! Charlie has inspired me to start writing to an anonymous friend as well about my life and its mishaps. We had the first game of our season today against Lakeside and all the 3 teams lost. They are a good school and the girls seem nice and sporty. I had a bad game, I believe. I don’t know. And my mom told me Jaime annoys her as well. I don’t like Jaime. She thinks she is better than everyone else. The only girl she likes in the team is Amara. Why does she have to be like this? It’s not fair. She thinks she is above us all and it annoys me.

 

I hangout with the Valley girls at school…and Rose. Andrew has changed a lot. He acts as if Rose and I are almost invisible. He hangs out with the exchange students and Lindsay’s “gang”. He is such a hypocrite.

 

I feel lonely at school. I only have one friend and it is Rose. I don’t even know if the Valley girls consider me as their friend. I think I try to hard to fit in with them but they don’t seem to mind…I think. I want to have a group of friends like the group I had in the Philippines. I miss them. I miss my old school. I miss it so much. I feel kind of lonely here. I’ve been faking my laughs and smiles a lot…which I never do back in the Philippines. Is this just a phase I’m going through or is it depression? I don’t know. I am sounding really emotional right now but hey, nobody else is gonna read this except you, friend. If you really are a friend, that makes it 2 people on my friends’ list.

 

High school is okay. I thought it would be spectacular and great. I was wrong. Homecoming is coming up and guess what?! Nobody has asked me and I don’t think nobody will! I believe nobody of the opposite sex at school even likes me that much to ask me out to the dance. This is very depressing.

 

I really hope this is just a phase I’m going through and I hope there will be a rainbow after this storm. I really do. But sometimes, rainbows don’t appear. So I don’t know.

 

Love always,

Kirstine

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15 and thrifty

I’m 15 today. Well, technically, I turned 15 yesterday. I was born in 3 am in the Philippines. I had a small birthday with my 2 best friends and my somehow-niece at my house with my family. It was awesome. We went night swimming at like 10 pm.

i feel kind of upset that some ppl didn’t greet me a happy birthday on facebook and twitter

oh and Germany won the World Cup. I was rooting for Argentina but oh well. Bravo!

Eleanor and Park

My best friend, Gill, lent me this book approximately 2 weeks ago. And I just started reading it yesterday at around 6 in the evening and I finished reading it at 1:30 in the morning…

Eleanor and Park is a book about two 16 year old misfits who fall in love. You must be thinking, “Ahhhhh, another one of those shitty, clique romance books for sad and horny teenagers.”

NO. NO. NO.

Here is a little synopsis (I PROMISE. NO SPOILERS.):

It was during the first weeks of school and Park has claimed his seat on the bus. He sits alone and he usually reads his comic books or play tunes on his Walkman to get through the trip to and from school. These simple little treasures of his help him escape the stupidity of the other kids at the back row. Then came Eleanor. Big, chubby, curly red hair, weird, awkward, different, odd clothes. Eleanor. She got on the bus and everybody was staring at her, including Park. Nobody offered her a seat. It was either the seat was reserved or it was claimed by a backpack. Next thing he knew, he offered her the seat next to him. And that’s where their story begins. On a bus.

Young love. Where breaking boundaries and heartbreaks are crucial.

I’M GOING TO SHUT UP NOW.

After reading this book, I literally thumped my forehead with it several times then went to bed.

Eleanor and Park’s romance is one of a kind and no other. I definitely recommend it. Especially to the youth.

I give it a 4.8/5 stars. Why? BECAUSE OF THE ENDING. THE ENDING IS JUST UPSETTING.

 

My summer so far:

  • watching Criminal Minds
  • being a couch potato in front of the tv
  • painting my room and its furniture, base boards, etc with my dad
  • getting pissed off because of the lousy weather
  • watching Modern Family
  • texting my friends
  • playing candy crush before I go to sleep
  • reading
  • eating
  • watching the World Cup with my dad and brother
  • playing with my Boxer dog Bobby
  • spoiling myself with cream cheese
  • baking

It is Fathers’ Day today and we had a little surprise party for my dad planned by my very own mother. The gathering turned out fine and I am so happy and relieved my dad’s children and family are accepting us. I really want to be close with them and get to know them more. I want our relationships to be like the sibling relationship my biological brother and I have. I hope my step dad adopts my brother and I. I love him to bits and he is one of the people in my life who mean the whole entire universe to me. 

It started out with Chris coming here around 11 to cook food. Then an hour or 2 later 3 cars came up the driveway, honking and beeping. Mt father was quite surprised and the look on his face just revealed pure happiness. 

Gene, Harry, Haley, Logan, Josethe, Aunt Linda, Isaiah, Chris, Mom, Dad, Bobby, Reimes, and I had a splendid time together. ❤

  • I was enjoying watching Modern Family then my parents stole the tv room away from me
  • I can’t wait to start high school with Gill
  • I want it to be summer already and have sleepovers with my friends and do new and fun stuff
  • I am so fucking fat
  • I want to find my “one true love”
  • Idk I’m not even that pretty
  • Do people even read my blog posts and check out my blog?
  • Why are people in my grade so fucking hypocritical and mean and just plain rude and stupid
  • ugh jdfklghretuhrjen
  • Was I raped/sexually abused when I was 6?

Word vomit: feeling alone at school

I feel quite alone in my new school. I consider 4 people my friends and I don’t really know if they even care about me. Most of the people I know there are hypocrites, ignorant, cruel, and mean. Especially the popular and athletic people. They think they’re hot shots and are so full of themselves. Don’t get me wrong, I love the school. The surroundings are clean, the place is warm and welcoming, and the teachers and admins are very nice. 

The kids in my grade make me feel bad. I feel like they judge in every step I make. I try to be friendly to them and say my hi’s and hello’s and flash them a smile but they just stare at me and simply ignore. When I think about the people I try to impress, I look back and see the popular people. When I realize that, I immediately ask myself, “Why try to impress them?” “They don’t give a shit about you.”

Is it because I want to be one of them?

I don’t really know the answer to that question. It’s disgusting to say that I, myself, am a hypocrite.

It makes me feel really, really sad and alone when people pick me last in gym. To the point that my gym teacher is the one who assigns me to a team. Am I really that unwanted? When we play frisbee or whatever game, they never hand me the ball or whatever thing we’re playing with. It makes me feel really depressed.

In my previous school, my friends would always choose me first and always throw me the ball. But here, everything went upside down. At lunch, I don’t even know who to sit with anymore. I just feel so damn lonely. I feel so judged and neglected. Several times, I have cried in school. In the bathroom or whenever I rant in front of my brother, who is in the same grade as me. Whenever I am with a group of people, I still feel alone.

Is this a part of the culture shock? I love school and I would like to learn. But my fellow class men are too much for me sometimes. (More like all the time) I want a best friend. 

God, I don’t even know how to explain what I’m feeling anymore. I am a moody and emotional person. 

Why do people at school have to be such jerks and bitches? Why the fuck do they have to be so mean and cruel?

Who are the ghosts oozing out of the walls of a home?

Italo Calvino said: The more enlightened our houses are, the more their walls ooze ghosts. Describe the ghosts that live in this house:

Image credit: “love Don’t live here anymore…” – © 2009 Robb North – made available under Attribution 2.0 Generic


I wanted to write something tonight so I used this fun little WordPress widget called “Surprise me” underneath the new post options. This is the first suggestion that gave me to write about. Reading the description and observing the picture, I must say, this suggestion WordPress gave me is quite interesting and I already have an answer to the question stated above which I would love to write about.

Describe the ghosts that live in this house

The ghosts that live in that house are simply the homeowners – humans.

The more enlightened our houses are, the more their walls ooze ghosts.

A house exhibits how the lifestyle is inside to the outside world. Quite an oxymoron, don’t you think? How we maintain our homes and the atmosphere that dwells inside of it screams it to the exterior. The happier the people are in a house, the more attractive and welcoming it looks on the outside. 

The same logic goes to our bodies. The way we take care of ourselves reflects on our self representation to the public. 

That is how I understand the quotation. What is your interpretation? 

Word vomit: Change

What do you think of change? Is it a depressing part of life? A good one? A happy one? i cannot simply tell you right now at this very moment what change is to me. I have gone through so much change. Well, I’m being dramatic here. haven’t we all gone through loads and loads and loads of change? Isn’t sometimes a sad thing? When realizations strike you, it brings your whole mood down and…it just…makes you want to cry.

But then again, change can be a good thing. But most of the time, change happens so abrupt that you don;t even have time to reflect and feel what’s going on. 

((this piece does not have revision and i made my fingers do the thinking))

An Addiction

The night before New Years Eve of 2013, I was home alone. My mom and grandparents went of somewhere to drop off some relatives at some place and my brother was outside with friends playing with firecrackers and what not. I was alone. In the Philippines, New Years Eve is a wondrous thing that one must celebrate and rejoice. How? Popping firecrackers and showing off fireworks displays of course! Well, that fun hasn’t started yet. It wasn’t completely quiet outside but the fun hasn’t started yet.

As I was saying, I was home alone and I had a laptop in front of me. I was bored too. So, what I did is Google “teen chat rooms”. And that’s where it started…

I found this website called Teen Chat Avenue. I logged on using some username and started chatting. Did I have fun? Yes. Did I meet new people? Not exactly. Did it kill time till it was time to go outside and stop my on purpose isolation? Yes.

A few days later, boredom struck me again. I went on the chat site. I chatted with strangers until my mother told me to stop. I was only private messaging but I saw that the people who were chatting on the main chat box looked so fun and happy. They knew each other and they were literally engaging in a random and outgoing conversation. About what? Nothing. So I decided to join in.

The next day/week/or so, I decided to go public. It wasn’t easy at first but sooner or later, I became one of the “chat regulars”.

Chat regulars are the ones who are friends with the other regulars who mostly converse on main. These regulars are so close to one another, they have each other on Skype, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, etc etc. They even have each other’s phone numbers! And you know what? Knowing these chat regulars and being one of them was so. much. fun.

When they asked me where I was from, I would say I was from the United States. Which is a complete lie. I told them I was from the U.S. because I was migrating to the country soon. Anyways, I pulled it off. Luckily.

Teen Chat was an amazing thing for me. I would log in everyday and every night. Before I go to school, I would log in after showering. When I got home from school/soccer practice, I would log in and spend 2 hours online and set my homework and other duties aside. I was addicted. I was hooked.

The website had it’s dose of pros and cons. The drama. The bullshit. The perverts and old men. But that didn’t stop the regulars and I. We looked forward to logging in everyday and sometimes, turn on our webcams to stare at each other.  One of them asked me if I had Skype. I didn’t. I thought to myself that it was official. I liked them and they liked me. So I made a Skype and gave the I.D. to them. That’s where the group chats and group calls started. I would be on Skype and the chat both at the same time.

The chat was like school. It had its circle of friends and couples. It had drama. It had secrets. It had crushes. We were a bunch of teenagers who wanted an escape from life and it’s realities. Chat was our escape. Skype was our escape. Chatting/Webcamming/Mic chatting each other was our escape.

Summer where I was started in March. I had all the free time in the world. Unfortunately, the regulars still had school/college in their hands. But the time zones did not stop me. I would pull an all nighter every night. I was unstoppable. During this time, I was going through troubles and trials in my life. The regulars were my distraction. Whenever I chatted with them on Skype or online, I felt happy. They were my getaway from the horrors of life.

Then around June, people were leaving. The regulars started going one by one. They were having social lives. They were abandoning there online egos. Some of them even deleted me off Skype! I was sad. I was heartbroken. I considered these online figures my friends. But they didn’t all leave in one go. The regulars left slowly but surely, till I was the only one left.

I left chat. Well, not really. I still go on but as a guest, every day and night, to see if a regular was on. I mainly focused on Skype. I still had some of them on there. I was happy. I would go on Skype everyday. And every time I saw that orange message notification for me or any other notification from them, inviting me to this group chat to this group call, I got excited and ecstatic.

Around September, I was starting to get realizations.

“Why are you still talking to them?!”

“They don’t give a damn about you!”

“You care about them but they don’t care about you!”

“Stop this! They are just online people!”

“You will never meet them!”

“Sooner or later, all of this would end and you’ll be the only one left!”

“You are a sad lifeless person.”

These thoughts haunted me all day long. 24/7. I decided to take action.

I started removing people on Skype. I tried so hard not going on the chat site and Skype. I tried to shoo them from my thoughts. I tried my best not to retreat back to the instant messenger or website when I was bored. IT. WAS. HARD. For 10 months of daily dosage of the message pings and LOL’s, this self rehab I was giving myself was agonizing. But I knew very well I needed it. Even though I was still going through issues and hardships, I knew that I must control myself and withdraw from the online world I once considered as home and paradise.

After a few weeks, when I got my senses under control and my emotions in a box, guess what? I was bored. And I wasn’t jittery about going online again. I just felt like it. But not in an excited “omg” way. I was bored and wanted to kill time. Nothing else. I went to the website and typed out my username. I went on Skype and logged in. The messages I got were overwhelming.

OMG! Where have you been!?!??!?!”

“I missed you so much!!!”

“Aaaah! You got a social life! :o”

“Don’t leave ever again!”

“How have you been?!”

“Go on cam! I miss your face!”

“OMG. Is that you?!”

“Are you really online??? Like forreal???”

“It’s her!!!!!!!”

I was shocked. The amount of exclamation points, questions marks, capital letters, and smileys surprised me. I didn’t realize that the regulars missed me. I didn’t even think that they thought about me or even remembered me. I was so glad. Even most of the regulars who left came back! I was overjoyed. Then the addiction started again. And the resentment and self rehabilitation came right after.

Around November, my migration to the United States has arrived! My flight to the land of awesome has arrived! I cannot wait to hop on the airplane!

Upon arrival to the US, chat and the regulars did not cross my mind. For 3 months, I had no time to go online and I did not want to. But when culture shock and homesickness came, I need a distraction. I needed my “escape”. So I went on Teen Chat and Skype. Again, the swarm of sweet and shocked cyber messages came flooding in. I was at bliss.

Now, it is April 26th 2014. It’s already been more then a year since I’ve discovered Teen Chat and met the regulars. Most of them have left and have forgotten the place and me. They have outgrown the website and some have finished there teenaged years. They are now focusing on their own lives. I have deleted all the regulars on my Skype except one. I still go online frequently. And I am currently on the stage of resentment. Self rehabilitation is coming soon. Very soon. It starts tonight or tomorrow.

This one guy I used to have a fling with and would always hit on me is now 20 and he is, I’m assuming, in prison. He told me his full name and I have decided to look him up on Google. What I saw shocked me. He is indicted on child pornography and is going through trial and such. I am speechless.

Oh, I was so interested with the regulars that I looked them up on social media and stalked them. I really was obsessed. Creepy, I know.

Now, I am starting to help myself again and focus on reality. Life is filled problems and hardships and avoiding them is not going to help you overcome them. All you can do is face them and deal them with a proper and mature manner.